Back To School Anxiety in Kids: How Parents Can Help Without Adding More Pressure

When my Millennial brain hears “Back to School” I immediately think of Adam Sandler as Billy Madison singing “Back to school, back to school, to prove to dad I am not a fool.  Got my lunch packed up and my boots tied tight, hope I don’t get in a fight.”

Unfortunately for kids and teenagers now, is not as easy as it was for Billy Madison to graduate by doing each grade for a week.  Although Billy Madison is a silly (and inappropriate) movie, it does a good job showing us some anxiety inducing situations that can still be relevant today.

I see a growing number of kids and teens who are experiencing back to school anxiety every year.  This anxiety can range from things like being bullied, body image worries, academic pressure, or just the overwhelming number of peers in one place. 

First, Understand What's Underneath The Anxiety

One of the tricky things about anxiety in kids and teenagers is that it does not always look like worry.  You child may never come to you and say “Mom, I’m anxious about going back to school.”  (Wouldn’t that make things easier though?)

Instead, anxiety might look like

• irritability

• headaches or stomachaches

• trouble sleeping

• wanting to stay home

• suddenly worrying about what they’re going to wear

• getting upset over seemingly small things

You may notice more arguments, more reassurance-seeking, or a teenager who suddenly wants to do nothing with talking about school.

And sometimes it sounds like

·         “School is stupid”

·         “I don’t care”

·         “Nobody likes me anyway”

·         “I just don’t want to go”

The last one is important because avoidance is one of anxiety’s favorite coping skills.  Staying away from the thing that makes up anxious gives us immediate relief- but it can also teach our brain that the thing really was dangerous.

Validate the Feeling Without Feeding the Fear

As parent, our instinct is to reassure or fix the problem.  We might say things like:

“You’re going to be fine.”

“You always make friends”

“There’s nothing to worry about.”

Those statements come from a loving place, but an anxious child may hear something completely different: You don’t understand why this feels so big to me.

Instead, try getting curious.  You might say “What part of going back feels the hardest?” or “If you could change one thing about going back to school, what would it be?”

Validation communicates: I understand why this feels hard, and I believe you can handle hard things.

The goal isn’t to convince them that they shouldn’t be anxious.  The goal is to help them feel safe enough to tell you what the anxiety is actually about.

It's to help kids learn that they can experience anxiety and still move forward.

Start Rebuilding the Routine Before the First Day

Anxiety thrives on uncertainty.

For younger kids, that might mean visiting the school, looking at pictures of their teacher, practicing morning routine, or talking through what the morning drop-off looks like.

For teens, it may look different.  Pull up their schedule.  Figure out where their classes are.  Talk through lunch.  Ask who they hope they’ll see.  Help them think through what they’ll do if they don’t know anyone in a class.

You don’t have to eliminate every uncomfortable situation for them.  You’re helping their brain move from “I have no idea what’s going to happen” to “I have a plan for what I can do.”

When Your Child May Need More Support

Some back to school nerves are completely normal.  But when anxiety begins interfering with sleep, eating, friendships, family life, attendance, or your child’s ability to function, it may be time for additional support.

If back-to-school anxiety is becoming more than just first-day jitters, your child or teen doesn’t have to figure it out alone.  At SEL Counseling, I work with children, teens, and families navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, school stress, and the complicated parts of growing up.

If you’re wondering whether counseling might be helpful for your child, you don’t have to wait to reach out until things become a crisis.

Learn more about child and teen counseling at SEL Counseling or contact me to talk about whether therapy may be a good fit for your child. Offering in person counseling to Stokes and Surry Counties. Virtual counseling available for those in Virginia and North Carolina.